peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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