Old men and throwing up are my life now.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize