Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
