dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
