It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize