Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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