I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
