i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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