i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
