I wish I could teleport
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
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