guys are only as good as the porn they watch
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
