non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
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