I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
