I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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