While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
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