I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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