Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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