I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
