our cab driver is having phone sex.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Randomize