The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
