My hair reeks of homosexuality.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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