they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
