The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
