Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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