i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
