I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
