I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
We're too hungover to prance.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize