I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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