Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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