I cockslap morals
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
My feet surprised me
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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