the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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