Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize