So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Randomize
