Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
