so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize