i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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