My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
