true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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