Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
