Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
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