Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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