Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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