i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Randomize
