I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Randomize
