Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
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