I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
