Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize