He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
