you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
