what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
