She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
