we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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