I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
