i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
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