I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
