I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
