My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize