took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
