God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Randomize
