FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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