I accidentally had phone sex last night
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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