Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize