ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Princesses don't give blow jobs
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
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