it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
