I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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