Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
