that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
