did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
