Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
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