I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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