i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
